I wrote this September 2006 during Alex's first deployment to Iraq when we were engaged.
The first time I realized Alex was the one and only man I could and would be able to spend the rest of my life with was when he had already signed up for the Marine Corp for four years. That's right, he belonged and still does to Uncle Sam. But love is a funny thing like that. You can spend years contemplating this concept of "love" and constantly try to find it in places where it can never be found. But when you love someone, you know. It's as simple as that. So I had no choice, this thing called love happened to me all of a sudden and there was nothing I could do about it. Not that I am complaining or anything. Alex is probably every girl's dream guy. Alex is the guy girls try to find in the assholes but are only left broken hearted and taken for granted. That is something I will never understand about the female mind, the fact that we complain about never finding the right one, and only date asshole after asshole.
Well, I remember that day all too vividly. I was in my first sememster of college. I thought I knew how the world worked by this point, but now I look back and see just how much I have grown up since back then. It was a fairly warm October day. As a matter of fact, the day was Monday, October 3, 2005. The previous night I had talked to Alex on the phone. He had come home the second time since graduating bootcamp. Till this day, I did not see Alex since before going to bootcamp. His first time home since graduation was in April 2005. He called and pleaded for me to come and see him. But what did I do? I rejected his pleas; i ignored the fact there was this incredibly great guy long to see me. When I look back I actually get mad at the person I was at the time. Here was this friend I had that happened to to join the marines, he goes through hell in bootcamp, comes home, and the girl he desired in his heart showed no interest at all. Some of you that are reading this may hate me at this point, but please take into consideration I am not the person now that I was then.
You may ask, "Why were you so cruel?" The only way I can answer that is by looking back to the mind set I had at the time. I thought, "This guy is in the military, how could I possibly start a relationship with him?" "What am I going to do when he is a way?" "He proabably just wants one thing." These are the thoughts that filled my mind during that time, so how did I handle it, I completley blew him off, protecting myself of any of these accusations.
I first met Alex when I was fifteen years old at church of all places. I remember finding him attractive and a genuinly nice guy. I was there with my friend at the time and he was with a friend as well. Alex and my friend had already known each other and started talking. He seemed to take an interest in her, so I put any chance of being with him out of my mind. And not to mention my self-essteem was so low back then, I didn't attempt anything with a guy I found worthy of actually being with. His friend took an interest in me, so the four of us sat together during church service. Afterwords we goofed off, exchanged phone numbers, talked on the phone occasionally and that was that.
Some time went on and I started seeing this guy named Andy. He is a perfect example of that guy no girl should ever be with, but go for anyways in the hopes of maybe changing them. He was arrogant, self-centered, hot tempered, had not a single emotion inside of him and he liked to do and say anything to hurt me and he always succeeded. I was sixteen by then and I felt trapped. Being with a guy like that made me feel insignificant, unworthy to ever find a guy who truly loved me. So one day, while him and I were hanging out, he started badgering me as usual, saying cruel and hateful things to me, trying to keep me as close as possible to the dirt. I was done. I lost my temper and started to go through all the numbers I had in my phone book. I came across Alex's and something told me to call him even though I had barley even known him. I felt a bit insecure and nervous, so when I called and he answered I said, "Who is this?" "This is Alex." I told him I was going through my numbers and didn't recognize his and wanted to find out who it belonged to by calling, (even though I already DID know). So after that we started talking and became pretty good friends. We would talk on the phone frequently and meet up at the mall or the movies. One summer we even went to a bunch of concerts together and six flags. Of course there would be times when I would go many weeks without talking to him because I would get scared. I had always known there was something different about him. That this was an individual that would actually like me for who I was. The thing was, I didn't know how to handle that in my immature mind considering the guys I were used to. Not to mention from the moment I met him he had always told me his plans for joining the marines once he turned eighteen. I didn't want to take this chance in being attached to a guy soon to be a part of the military.
So after a few years of innocent dating and friendship, the time came for him to leave for bootcamp. I remember the last thing we did together was see a movie at Mid Rivers Mall. I still remember the movie in fact. It was called "White Noise." It was this supernatural horror movie starring Michael Keeton. I remember after saying goodbye to him, I had the thoughts of never knowing if there could have actually been something special between us if he were not joing the marines. I mean, it's not as if we were in a serious relationship or anything prior to his leaving, so I thought it would have been difficult building a more serious relationship while a way. I mean, he was going to boot camp. You're barley allowed any phone calls while in boot camp. So I left with that wonderment.
So time went on, and I went back to my non-meaningful way of living. I continued to be friends with people not worth being friends with, and seeing guys not worth seeing. Things continued during that time span while Alex was a way in boot camp that led me to not being able to trust people even more. I didn't want to care about anyone. I mean, why would I care about anyone, when there was no one that cared for me bsck, not really care at least.
So April came and he was home again for the very first time since graduating boot camp. He tried getting a hold of me and getting together with me. What did I do? I rejected him. I didn't really know the person Alex really was at this time being. I remember he was so aggavated with me, he told me off over the phone, and quite frankly, I deserved it and that is all I am going to mention about that.
So he went back to Pendelton, California where he was stationed during that time. Back in Missouri, I was graduating High School and taking on the world. I had everything a head of me and it was scary. I was in the unknown and I didn't like that.
That summer Alex and I started talking again. He apologized for acting the way that he did and I apologized for not seeing him during his time home. Though I knew my reasons sounded pointless and unconvincing, I told him anyways. I told him in so many words that I was a selfish, scared little girl and that I was sorry. At this time, I was still not ready to commit myself to him, but I liked the way our conversations were going over the phone. I have never in my life talked to somone that long on the phone and actually enjoyed it. There was hardly a moment when I wasn't laughing or enjoying what we were talking about. Even though I didn't admit this to him at the time, I was falling for him, HARD! But I was not ready to let him know he was winning me over. I figured if I made it that easy for him, I'd lose any shot I had with him. Of course looking back, I know that wouldn't have been the case, but that's what always happens: guy goes after girl, girl plays hard to get for a while, girl finally gives in, guy has his fun for a while, guy dumps girl, girl is left heart broken. And I am not saying that it is always the guy, it can be vise versa in many cases. Well, this was the scenario I wanted to avoid.
So we spent the summer talking over the phone. So many times he would ask me if there was any chance for "us". I remember never giving him a straightforward answer. I wonder if that upset him, or if it made him happy that the answer was never no. I remember one conversation with him and he said, "I can't take it anymore, I have to tell you something." I was like, "oh no." He said, "Felicia, I love you and I had to get that out." I couldn't believe it. I couldn't fathom how he could possibly love me. We had never shared anything more than a hug before this and hadn't actually seen each other for many months. I didn't know how to respond. I don't think I said anything to tell ya the truth. After every conversation after that he would tell me he loved me before every goodbye. All I said was, "Okay, bye." That's the thing about Alex that I appreciate now and one of the many reasons why I love him so much. He knows what he wants, he knows what he loves and he is not afraid to show it and once he has it, he never stops appreciating it. I have no doubt in my mind he will make an excellent husband.
So we continued to talk over the phone. I started my first semester at St. Charles Community College, but still, I felt as if I had little direction. There were still some aspects of my life that needed to be changed, I still tried to find happiness in all the wrong places. I spent the month of September falling even more in love with Alex over the phone, but still, I wasn't ready to admit it, not yet. We talked about what it was like for him to be a marine, I told him about college. Honestly, I don't think that there was anything me and Alex didn't talk about. That is when you know you have found the one, when there is nothing you feel too uncomfortable sharing with that person. Well, it was time again for Alex to come home on military leave. This time I decided I wasn't going to be stupid. This time I wasn't going to be scared, this time I was going to see if there was something truly between us, this time, I wasn't going to let him leave feeling unhappy. So he came home. I remember him calling me on his cell phone letting me know of his arrival. I was very anxious to meet up with him and I think this surprised him a little. We made our plans. I had school the next day, so I figured he could be dropped off at my school and wait for me to get out of class so we could spend some time together. So that is exactly what we did. I was in my third class of that day, I was filled with curiosity and anticipation. In moments I was going to see Alex. Class was finally let out and he called me on my cell. I walked out of the building not knowing what to expect. Then there he was, standing at the flagpole. I saw him before he saw me. He was slightly bigger, with a military haircut, he had on tanned colored shorts and a botton up shirt. I came up behind him and he turned around and all he did was say hey, smiled and looked at me up and down. I knew at that very moment that I couldn't and wouldn't spend my life with anyone besides him. I had compleltey ignored the fact that he was indeed still in the marine corp and I would have to put up with a few years with not being able to see him off and on. But that didn't seem to matter that day, for when you love someone, you love someone and you simply know that you do and you will take anything that comes along with being with that person. Mine being the marines.
So, we went to a few places that day. We went to Star Bucks, Wal-mart (Ha, ha), a few other stores and the mall. By the end of the night, we ended up seeing the movie "Wedding Crashers" with only one other couple in the movie theater. I remembered the world around me just sourt of dissappeared. All I could focus on was Alex and how much I felt for him. And let me remind you this was the very first day we saw each other since before he left for boot camp. And something very special happened during the movie, "Wedding Crashers", we kissed for the very first time since knowing each other. It was wonderful. And let me just say that the end of the night was VERY special. (Wink, wink.)
That was that. I was in love. Before him, I hadn't known what love was. He was the first guy I ever loved and will be the last guy I will ever love. And I knew that in that one single day. I didn't care that I would have to go weeks at a time without seeing him and eventually months, all I knew was that I loved him and it was the deep kind of love. The love that can never be explained because it goes beyond anything the human mind can possibly understand. The rest of the week we got together and I remember feeling the happiest I have ever felt in my life. It is a feeling I can not describe. At the end of the week at his going away party it was hard saying goodye to him after falling so deeply in love with him, but I knew that it was only the beginning of a very long journey a head, with my love, my best friend, my soul mate.
Our love only continued to grow deeper with time. We talked on the phone reguraly, but this time it was different, I had opened myself up, I also said "I love you" and it was official, I was his girl. That November was the Marine Corp Ball which is a story within it self. That December he was able to come home for two weeks for Christmas. That was the best Christmas I ever had. I'll always remember how happy it made him to give me the teddy bear and necklace he bought me for Christmas. I'll never get the moments out of my head when it was just him, laying next to me, being comforted by one another's embrace. Though there was something niether if us wanted to think about. His seven month deployment to Iraq. At this point, I couldn't even imagine being a way from him and knowing he is in danger. The thought of anything like that was way too hard to bare. So I think most of the time, both of us tried to get that out of our minds, so we could enjoy and appreciate the time we had together. But the thing about time, is it always moves on and the time for him leaving for Iraq was sooner than later. I remember being cluless as to what to expect, how I was going to feel, etc.
So, he went back from his Christmas leave home. His family and I knowing that the next time he comes home, will be the last for seven whole months. That thought was very hard to process. But that is life, there are some things that are in the hands of God and we just have to move alongas best as possible and have trust that God will get us through.
So the time came, he was home again for his pre-deployment leave. Something quite wonderful happened that day his family and I picked him up from the airport. I knew he was planning on proposing, but I didn't know when or how soon, lets just say I was not expecting it the day he came home for leave. Well, after we got back to his place, the two of us went to go eat at Texas Road House. I guess I found it kind of odd how his first night back we had dinner with only the two of us and not with the entire family. But, I went along with it. We got there, and it was packed as usual. We considered going somewhere else, but he was pretty set on going there so we gave our name and went to Wal-mart to kill some time. I remember acting ridiculous and riding around on a child's bike. I could tell that he was edgy and I didn't know why. Well, it was time to go back to the restaurant. We were then seated and was greeted by our waitress. She was a young, friendly brunette. We placed our order. We both ordered steak and fries. When our food was served I noticed Alex wasn't eating that much of his food. He kept looking up at me nervously, I thought something was wrong and I was getting worried. Well, finally he excused himself from the table and was a way for quite sometime. When he came back, he sat down, looked up at me, then came over to me. I thought he was just wanting to give me a kiss, but then it happened. He got down on one knee and then I knew what was going on. Let me remind you that the restaurant was packed and there was a table right next to us that was filled with people. Well, all of a sudden everything in the room got blurry and I could faintly hear the waitresses going "Awwwwwwww" because they could see what he was doing. I forgot what his exact words were be he said, "Felicia, I love you, will you marry me?" All I could do was smile and say yes like four times. I never felt so happy in my life. I was going to spend the rest of my life with the man I loved and admired and looked up to. After he proposed, the waitress came over to us and announced our engagement to the entire restaurant. It felt amazing. It was like, I'm happy, I'm in love and I want the whole world to know it.
The rest of the time he was home, we of course enjoyed being with one another but there was that stress of knowing that the hardest part was still a head of us: his deployment to Iraq. Seven months without seeing each other, not being able to communicate very much, seven months of being worried and scared. But it was coming, and there was nothing niether of us could do about it. The last time I saw Alex was very early on a Thursday morning. We were both worn out and drained. I remember walking him to the terminal trying to be as strong as I possibly could be knowing that i'd have to be seperated from the one I loved and held so dear to my heart. When I saw him cry, and tremble, that was the worse pain I ever felt in my life. I love him so much, and that was very hard to witness. I barley even got to hug him and kiss him goodbye he was so upset, but I knew that it was best to make out goodbye as short as possible. Kind of like pulling off a band-aid, the quicker you pull it off, the less it hurts.
Well, that was the last time I saw him. I will see him again for the first time in seven months in three in a half weeks. This has not been an easy journey. People ask me all the time how I do it. All I say is that I have no choice, that I love him, he is the one God has chosen for me to be with, and what he goes through, I go through. What can I do? Live every day in misery, excluding myself from the world? No, that is for the weak.
Being a marine's girl isn't easy and there are qualities you must have in order to stay sane. Being a marine's girl is having trust. Having trust that you are still in your man's heart. Trusting that the love you share is true, and even through absense, having the ability to maintain a loyal and strong relationship. Being a marine's girl is being faithful and true, finding a way to prove your love even being a thousand miles a way. Being a marine's girl means being strong and independent, being content with the fact that even though you and your man are physically a way from one another, that you are still blessed to have a love so deep. Being a marine's girl, means having patience, finding ways to keep yourself occupied. Being a marine's girl means trusting God to protect your marine. Being a marine's girl, means being unselfish. Being a marine's girl means doing everything in your power to let your guy know that you are there for them and how proud you are of them.
People may ask, "How do you do it?" But so many people have the wrong attitude about love. So many times in relatioships people can only think about what THEY can get out of a relationship, when it should be what YOU can do for that person you love. I love Alex with all of my heart, soul, body and mind. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. He has changed me and my life in so many ways and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life repaying him for that. This may be hard right now, but it is the difficulties in life that help us grow and prosper. I know in my heart that in the long run, all of this will only make me and Alex's life together that much more meaningful and special. In three in a half weeks we will be together again for the very first time in seven months and I know that in that moment everything we have been through is going to feel worth it when we are together again, at last.
